We’ve returned to Denver. Bags are unpacked, laundry is washing and drying.
We ended our journey with coffee in a funky coffee house, Café Ardour, in old downtown Ft. Collins. Here, too, some of my prejudices were undermined, about Ft. Collins. First off, the café itself is surprisingly free-form. At the counter, a leftist / conservationist magazine for sale, a fine-looking publication. Next door, a “green” products store. My preconceptions about this town, too, shaken. Positively.
Such a challenge for me, to keep my mind and heart open, to receive new information. It surprises me to see how closed I can be to even Positive New Info.
Watching Bret this week has been such a good mirror for me. His tendency to shut out Difference with both thoughts and words of de-valuation. These are Patterns I’ve manifested all too often. Hearing his almost complete dismissal of Reno, having no curiosity about experiencing it for himself made me sad. In contrast, I found the tawdriness touching. They are all folks, just like me.
B was so adamant about not wanting to break fast in Reno, certainly not in our hotel’s café, that did serve Starbuck’s brew. He was determined to find a “real” coffee shop in Sparks. But Sparks is just as tawdry in its own way as Reno. We wound up at a T/A diner, B unhappy about this circumstance. “If I’d realized how it was going to work out, I’d have suggested we eat at the hotel – at least the coffee would be decent!” No appreciation for our waitress, for the culture of the diner.
I “get” B’s attitude, I really do. I knew such Fear for many, many years. Uncertainty and insecurity masked with Arrogance and Condemnation. But it really is sad. Such an attitude of Limitation.
This was a wonderful trip for me. The various beauties of so many worlds, experienced in 8 days.
Another change for me: I seem to have worked around my ancient mind-set of being Pee-Shy in public. I pissed whenever I needed to, where ever was handy. Not once did I revert to the Hold It at All Costs pattern. No pain, no constipation. A very concrete Letting Go.
Pee-shyness is so clearly connected with Zaiga’s hatred of body and its functions and her disdain for Non-Latvia. It being is all of a piece: opening up to the Beauty of this land, not holding on to Zaiga’s hatreds, I can also let go of her messages that my Penis is Bad, that I should never need to pee.
God! Poor, poor Zaiga! What a Mess was the inside of her head!
Lots of dreaming on this trip, but I don’t remember a one.