More Middle of the Night Ruminations prompted by HOA stuff. Last night the focus was on Voice. That it is crucial for me not to feel shut down by The Gang. I don’t need or want to shout anybody down or shut anybody up (except so as not to be the target for hostile verbal fire.) But I do want to practice skillfully speaking my truths. To not feel crimped and squashed by fear of others‘ Opinions.
The truth is that I don’t care what any of the homeowners think about me. I don’t know them, they don’t know me. Any of their thoughts and feelings about me are no more than projections and fantasies, be they negative or positive.
The concept of staying true to myself is enormous for me. There is a broad band of my life that has seen me contracting into various sizes of Silence, in order to accommodate others. I’ve accommodated others, so that they don’t dislike me, don’t attack me, don’t ostracize me. If I look at things honestly, most interactions with people find me believing that I have to muzzle myself in order to fit in. Socializing almost invariably equates with shrinkage. The pattern set from Day One with Z & A was that to be fully what and who I am is seen as bad and a reason to withhold affection. For me, the Kyd, this quite rightly equated with Danger. It was dangerous to be too much myself.
I am hyper-sensitive to others‘ perception of me. I am geared to please others, primarily by not seeming threatening. Which is to say, by not seeming Large.
I get gummed up with the HOA Recall issues when I start feeling and thinking about it being personal. It’s as though any interaction that I perceive as personal is Negative. When I perceive this HOA stuff as a Game that is being played, I do fine.
I keep having flashes of insight into how transitory life is. F is a dozen years older than me. Presumably, he will move on before me. What do I want our remaining time together to be like? If I don’t default to auto pilot, how do I want to BE in our partnership, what do I wish to DO?
Certainly not fritter away energy on stuff like the HOA static. Which is not to say that I don’t want to develop the Five Competency skills in all situations. I do. But to lock up energies in the sludge aspect of such circumstances is a waste.
Theme: skillfully husbanding my resources, particularly my energy. To not throw good emotional money after bad. To choose my battles carefully. Which battle is it valuable to fight, and which not?
„Love is the capacity to take care, to protect, to nourish. If you are not capable of generating that kind of energy toward yourself – if you are not capable of taking care of yourself, of nourishing yourself – it is very difificult to take care of another person … It’s clear that to love oneself is the foundation of the love of other people.“
- Thich Nhat Hanh
Love is the capacity to take care, to protect, to nourish. To love oneself …