Both things were done spur-of-the-momently I’m realizing that a featured aspect of at least one of the demons that interferes with Connie and my moving along more quickly with Dreamways is the voice that says each and every thing has to be completely thought out and perfect before it can be acted upon. So, yesterday my stance was: „Let’s get something into the website. Anything. It can all be changed and modified. If we don’t get something in, we’ll dither around and procrastinate perpetually. Plus, once anything is on the website to be seen, we will be much more motivated to tweak it.“
Yesterday I had a very clear take on how the Dragon of Passivity has a very strong presence in the creation of Dreamways. He is gargantuan in C’s life, and in mine too. He talks about „feeling right“ and „doing it right“, but ultimately, his goal is inertia. I don’t wish to stay under his thrall.
I went to Tattered yesterday to find some / any dream symbol dictionaries as a source for Connie‘s and my dream column („Full Body Dreaming.“) On the Dreams shelf I found a copy of Jeremy Taylor‘s tome Where people fly and water runs uphill. Mr. Taylor has appeared several times of late in my waking life, in addition to his connections with the Divine Science Church. I’ve liked those words of his that I’ve read. So I bought the book and read 80 pages last night. His stance re dreams is very similar to mine. It struck me as I was reading the book that he is not a Competitor of Dreamways, but an Ally. His book seems to be a great dreamwork primer that we may use. He’s done work of which we can avail ourselves. We don’t have to re-invent every wheel in terms of dreamwork.
For me it is hugely significant to perceive Dreamways not as an isolated event, but, rather, as part of a Field. The more people who are clear-headedly and clear-heartedly talking about Dreamfulness, the better. My Practice is to draw myself out of Poverty Mentality thinking, that there is not enough to go around, that it’s me against the world., to have Dreamways truly support a vision of sharing and interconnectedness. Rather than „look only at us, don’t pay attention to others,“ a different attitude of „in addition to us, here are others doing work that we think is valuable.“
The money making aspect of Dreamways is another Shadow element for me. The truth is that one significant aspect of DW IS to make money, so I need to embrace those aspects too, not ignore them. They are not primary, but they are real and of importance.
Later. I met Indra J. (now, L.) today at Gallop. An interesting concatenation of emotions passed rhrough me during our couple of hours together. As she talked about the contortions and convulsions of the local Latvian scene, I was quite amazed to realize that the same narrow-mindedness, recalcitrance and disunity of 50 years ago are alive and flourishing in succeeding generations. The same unpleasant interactions, with different actors.
As Indra related these stores and histories, I noticed my anxiety moving in waves through me. I got a new take on just how stressful and unsafe the local Latvian community really felt for me in the past.
Indra talked about hoping that I’d get involved with the Latvian scene again. I said that I left it because it was so conservative, narrow minded, homophobic, intolerant, and that I’m much more circumspect about where and how I invest my resources now. „Well, the community hasn’t much changed,‘ she replied. „Although there is someone’s uncle who is gay and who has begrudgingly been tolerated.“ Begrudging tolerance is not an environment I’m interested in socializing with.
It is fascinating to revisit my local Latvian past from this many years later. How truly threatening and hostile it felt. To see how multi-layered crazy and stupid are so many of my Latvian-world tapes. So many constricting Zaiga (in particular) and Armīns voices, soaked through with judgment and intolerance.
I noticed a constriction within myself when Indra asked about my family of origin. As if there were something I needed to protect and be ashamed of in this regard. Interesting to admit that I really know nothing about any of them anymore. Who do I need to protect?!? Jeez!
Not that I need to reconnect with the Lett community, but I also need to free myself from ancient Fears that do connect me to it. I want to symbolically feel free to tell Tia and all she represents in my mind, to go jump in a lake. I do not have to tiptoe around any of „those“ people. I do not need to feel constricted in order to avoid their censure and wrath. I don’t need their acceptance, I need not fear their condemnation.
Indra, the mother of a six year old and a three (?) year old, is 38! Astonishing, how those years flew by!
This is my last day as a 52-year-old. Tomorrow I magically turn 53. Fifty-three: the year I was born. This past year has felt VERY growthful, with a good deal of healing and expansion. Plenty of tough and challenging situations, for sure, but I feel less and less brittle. Hurray!