Met with Connie and Gar re Dreamways. Gar is working on our logo. It is fascinating to see the changes he’s brought to our original conept. The version I liked best captured movement as well as the sense of container. I feel quite engaged in the process, especially with an eye to the website, yet, today, somewhat dispassionate too.
The process of Dreamways has been most interesting to observe ever since Connie and I started talking about doing a dream group – how many? nine? – months ago. It has its own life. While part of me would have liked something more concrete to have happened by now, I am fully aware that there have been countless dragons for Connie and me to contend with. Dragons that could not be ignored if we are to create and sustain something genuine.
I ongoingly tussle with the question of what Really do I want Dreamways to be. I know that at my core, I want it to be a way to nurture passion, awareness, creativity, voice, experimentation. A place and process of Nurturance, where and how to Explore small and Big dreams. Part of me is frightened of the openness this, of necessity, must entail. It feels like such a Risk of being attacked and shut down.
It is no coincidence for me that the darkness regarding the HOA has entered my life. On my Soul level, this Battle is about not succumbing to Hopelessness, Guilt and Silence, which the attacking Dragons so often have ensnared me in.
Talking with F about it today, I see that there is such a need in me to be seen and understood. In the HOA, to be seen not as an individual, but just for my HOA ideas, my political stance. It is so painful for me to accept that such seeingness is rare in the world of humans. F said: „I think to be seen occurs perhaps only in one’s most intimate personal relationships. Otherwise, it’s about building working collaborations.“
This is hard for me to fully accept. Collaboration, as manifested by the Gang of 5, seems so negative. But that crew certainly has grass-rooted to get support for their goals. Precisely such one-on-one connecting for business and political goals feels repulsive and daunting to me. It feels demeaning and dishonest. It also feels frightening.
Perhaps mostly frightening. If I am to be and speak honestly, I am afraid of being rejected as an Oddball. I think about Ms PH and Ms 1105, and my stomach curdles at what I perceive to be their duplicity, their greed, their dishonesty. I realize that I don’t have to be motivated from the same inner sources as those ladies, but at this point, grass-rooting feels like a disreputable activity.
Also, I feel no trust or respect for those individuals who have gone into cahoots with these ladies. Yuck. I don’t even want to talk with any of them about anything. It feels Dangerous.
But I realize that my contracting and isolating is what the Dragon wants. Politics is a Game. It’s not about Nurturance and Caring. There is nothing personal about it. The Gang is not out to hurt me. I as a person am of no significance whatsoever to them. I simply happen to be in a role that stands in the way of their goals. Therefore, any and all tools and means that can be employed to attain their ends can and will be used.
Their values seem to be quite different from mine. I cannot change that. Period.
I cannot control anyone else, anyone else’s thoughts or behaviors. All I can control is my own thoughts and actions. Fairness has no part in what’s happening. It’s a Game, and the Gang is playing it effectively. I get to decide if I want to play it by their rules. Do I want to be like them? If I choose to play the Game differently, the only reason for so doing can be internal. It will most likely have no impact upon them or their behavior. To out-fox a fox, one becomes even more of a fox than the fox. Do I want to spend my internal resources on being a Fox?
I am learning a hard way about Difference. Many folks in the world about me have fundamentally different beliefs about how one negotiates one’s way through the world. Many of these beliefs and the actions they engender strike me as being Dark, causing Pain, shutting others down. Perpetuating Poverty Mentality. I am being shown, yet again, that these differences are Real. I cannot wish them away, judge them away, reason them away. They exist and can have very Real and Painful impact upon me. I cannot continue being Naïve about this, feeling hurt and surprised each time such force fields do what they do in bumping up against me.
My Big Challenge: how to really take care of myself in proximity to such energy fields? Whenever I discount their power and reality, when I numb out, becoming inattentive and inert, these energies come around to knock me on my ass.
I want to become more skilled at handling myself in the face of such energy fields. I absolutely do not want to behave like these folks. But disdain and distance will not protect me from their actions. I am ever more clearly understanding that isolating and contracting myself serves me poorly. Any time I feel small, I am doing myself a disservice.
To be fluid, response-able. To meet challenges directly, interact with them genuinely, with curiosity, this serves me. To not take on others‘ projections about me. Particularly Dark Ones, but also the Good. Projections are not about me. I so readily perceive projections broadcast onto me and take ownership of them. To avoid conflict? To be „good“? To express Solidarity? Inevitably, this pattern of mine causes me pain.
I want to think, feel and act Soulfully, Passionately, Ethically, Openly. I alone am responsible for making this happen. Regardless of anything others around me do.