Later. Denver. We both had a wonderful night’s sleep in Lincoln, about ten hours’ worth! For me, it was a deep and rich slumber, filled with Dreams. It was white-gray overcast until we reached Ogallala. Colorado was windy and sunny.
Arriving back in Denver, I realize that a challenge for me will be to maintain the sense of Focus and Flow that I’ve experienced these past five days. I want to become even more serious about radio and Dreamways, devote the amounts of energy to them that it will take for me to know that I’m being serious (but not humorless) as far as they are concerned. It strikes me that I feel ready to not only practice Voice, but also to earn money. Enough money to feel comfortable, to not have to rely on F’s generosity for many activities that have monetary cost associated with them.
With this trip, I feel more Healing has occurred. There has been a cleaning out of more Belief archives. A cognizance about how Zaiga’s Rage has permeated my relationship to ALL spaces. An awareness of beliefs I’d accepted as mine regarding the Geography that I spent the past 5 days in. These beliefs were that all of this land is ugly, that its towns are a joke. I find that all of these zones of topography present their own types of beauty. None of it is Colorado (or Latvia, for that matter!), but it all offers its own pleasures. This is another realm of Difference where I’ve been hugely judgmental and, of course, unperceiving. Council Bluff, Rockford, Lincoln: towns we slept in, towns we walked around in. Each has similar struggles to revive its Core. But in each there are forces working for Renewal. And I realized that I LIKE that they aren’t trendy places. Each has its own history, its own current face, these are Real faces, that are a refreshing change of pace from Colorado Cool.
Realizing that to be really Different is not about constantly riding the Wave of Cool, but to find what feels real and appropriate for myself. Not that I have any sort of Glowy Dreams about these three towns, but they are a slice or Reality to be seen and heard, as much as Denver, Boulder or Aspen. For me, to think about any place from a stance of Compassionate Curiosity is to allow myself to form my own connections with it. To not be tyrannized by the Thoughts of Others or, even worse, by my Fantasies of Others’ Possible Thoughts. I don’t have to make home in any of these places, nor do I have to hate them.
It seems that the attitude of Smug Geographic Superiority masks my own deep sense of not belonging, of knowing, deep down, that no one place is Perfect. Certain locales may be more comfortable for me, but none is anything more than a geography and people, therefore fraught with contradictions, shadow and light.
I want to continue bringing Mindfulness to HOA activities. To stop projecting my Shadow onto condo folks, behave as I want and not feel constricted the “them.” HOA = Parents (critical, unperceiving, judgmental, suspicious.) I don’t need to engage my Old Patterns in the face of such patterns made manifest around me. I don’t have to crimp.
I want to practice making each day Mindful. Heartful and Dreamful. In any topography that surrounds me not shutting down.
Neighbor C. reported that T. has moved out, he and his (the larger of the two muts) dog are staying. It never felt like he and she had much fondness in their connection. It’s nice, not having the yappy dog around.