A very social day yesterday. At noon we had lunch in Arvada with the W. Family. Daila was in good spirits. She is now crawling and easily sitting up. She has long, slender fingerlings.
At two, Alvin and his friend Buff arrived at #302. We then went door to door distributing our memo encouraging owners to come to tomorrow’s re-call meeting and, if they support us, to consider giving us their proxy. Only a couple fo folks were at home.
At the same time, Jackson arrived with F, and is still here.
It felt empowering to go door to door with Alvin. Part of me always wants to avoid such „base“ activities, the Outsider mistrusts such actions. But I’ve come to understand that such an activity is about Voice. It’s simply a manifestation of my voice.
Also to realize that I’d been interpreting such door-to-doorness from the Gang of 5’s perspective, as an ill intentioned, dark and secretive operation. I finally realized that I have an enormous propensity to paint actions and potential actions of mine with the brush of Other People’s understanding. I imagine how some Other might interpret an action of mine (countless variations on Zaiga and Armīns, it seems) negatively. Not wanting to be or seem like such a negative (Bad) person, not questioning the accuracy of the Other’s perception, or even their right to judge me, I then don’t do whatever the considered aciton might be. I stifle myself, silence myself, invisible-ize myself. I cause my self to feel trapped.
No more. No more. No more!
My big lesson with HOA has been about Voice and Vision. To not wear anyone else’s cloak of projection as my identity or intentionality
The Habitual Pattern of taking on others‘ negative meanings for my own, as my own stories – Oi! It goes back to Day One, with Z & A’s basic belief in Original Sin. Out of which came their unwavering pattern of seeing me as inherently Bad, therefore ALL of my actions are bad, no matter what. They saw me as Evil waiting to happen. Anything that seemed positive was interpreted as a subterfuge, one that didn’t fool them. They knew that if they waited long enough, I would demonstrate my True Nature, and do something Bad.
I was never seen as a Human. Never seen for who I was. I’m now comprehending that this eternal onslaught of Negative Projections onto my Soul has set certain patterns of belief in motion inside myself. I am used to feeling trapped by and in people’s negative stories, believing that they are true and about me. I get it now that other folks‘ stories are always about them. Z & A’s stories that featured me, were about them, not me.
Any story that separates me from my Golden Connection is false. And dangerous. I must work on staying Mindful, Heartful and Dreamful and not fall under their sway.