At my abuses, reckon up their own:
I may be straight, thought they themselves be bevel;
By their rank thoguhts my deeds must not be shown;
Unless this general evil they maintain,
All men are bad, and in their badness reign.
- Willie S., sonnet #121
What an amazing week this has been !!! The miraculous Recall Meeting on Tuesday. A fascinating meeting of the Ballpark Neighborhood Assn. Wednesday night at Club Evolution. An Executive Board meeting for the HOA on Thursday.
Yesterday I was completely drained. Exhausted. At times I became light-headed. I slept in. I even took a two-hour nap in the afternoon. I slept a solid 8 hours last night. Today I feel back inside a reinvigorated body, alert. The week, with all its events, feels to have been a month long! A week ago was the trip to the Spgs on that Friday; it seems like it occurred weeks ago.
Yet, the Golden Connection of that day spent at the foot of Pike’s Peak remains absolutely vivid. And Vivifying. That day carried a deep, symbolic sense of Healing. I can finally incorporate the 2 sets of C.S. days (Union Blvd. and Randolph) into the conscious story of my life. Accessing those memories no longer prompts Nausea, nor Black-Pit Amnesia. No gaping maw of Guilt and Shame. No more need to erase my conscious self in the presence of those memories. The Golden Connection I re-found, the connection that I remembered that day last week, stays with me, powerful and empowering.
My Randolph-phase tie to C.S. was actually a time when I was in profound connection with my Self. Internally, I had much clarity and flow. But I had no idea how to bring this inner Beauty successfully into the world. Now, a quarter century later, it feels like I’m being able to create a full-scope interface between my Inner World and the Outer World.
The HOA events have been a profound testing ground for this interfacing. Truly, a process of annealing, of tempering. Burning away the dross, the impurities that weakened me. (So curious, that Dell’s email address is „dross“, his first initial and last name …)
My time with Randolph was archetypally the same as being with Armīns. The years with Zigis were a dance with Zaiga. Both epochs a painful collision of my inner self, my Golden Connection, with Dragon energies. I made the decision both times to contract, to weaken the Golden Connection, in order to appease the Dragons, in order to be able to maintain the relationships at all.
The contractions with Randolph were a start of losing Gold. With Zigis, the process accelerated drastically. Whew – the price I believed I had to pay in order to have a lover! Poor, poor me!
BPNA meeting was eye-opening for me, seeing how friendly the atmosphere was. A group of folks who care about the neighborhood and are willing to talk, decide and do things to help maintain and improve it. Such a refreshing change of pace, after the past months of HOA interactions. It was clear to me that I definitely want to cultivate a light and friendly atmosphere for the HOA. Holding onto any grudges is a burden for me to lug around. Letting go of grudges allows me to focus on fluidity and ease.
Thursday’s EB meeting had seven or eight owners in attendace, including 2 units that signed the Removal Petition. Initially, I sensed a degree of hostility on their part, but I was determined not to feed it. I focused genuinely on what I / we want for the future. The audience was invited to, and did, actively participate in discussing all topics. The initially-hostile folks I invited to participated in work committees, and they accepted. To me, the atmosphere felt professional, respecful, open, And it was, regardless of what folks might have been thinking and feeling. Truly, it matters not what anyone thinks / feels about me, as long as in whatever our particular relationship is, I can act in ways that I feel good about.
I now feel quite grounded for various aspects of impending HOA confrontation: with San Juan, with Developer, with others. Not mean attacks, but clearly and directly expressing HOA needs. The aspect of Mr. Nice Guy who wants to avoid stating needs and the possibility of conflict, no longer dominates. The Fear of confrontation no longer stymies me.