Last week, as well as the weeke prior when I was in San Fran, I took a hiatus from HOA worries. I was experimenting. It felt very clear to me that I have to practice taking my Passions seriously in the face of my Dragons. My deep pattern is to accord the Dragons first priority, catering to any and all of their scalding whims and demands, and only then tend to my Passions. The HOA stuff, what with Colton’s sudden departure, was feeling like viscous mud, making any movement forward impossible, no matter how much time, energy and worry I devoted to it. It was feeling like an energy Black Hole that could never be filled. This on the one hand.
On the other, last week was the challenge of getting all my journal batches formatted for the Dreamways website, which was feeling quite daunting. I realized this project HAD to be a priority.
A debate waged in my head between Dragons and Passion. The territory of contention became the computer and e-communication. Dragons: „If you get online at all, you must check HOA mail and respond to it first! Then you can do Dreamways stuff.“ Passion: „Forget about HOA for a few days! You know how enervating it becomes for you! Your priority is to husband your resources so that the website can go online.“ Dragons: „You must be responsible to us! We must be fed!‘ Passion: „You must be responsible to yourself! Your Heart and Soul must be fed!“ Dragons: „If you don’t feed us, we will unleash the dogs of Shame and Guilt upon you, the hounds of Anger, Contempt and Belittlement! This is not about joy or fulfillment, it’s about appeasing us!“ Passion: „If you don’t nurture me, you will waste away. If you tend to me, you will grow, unfold and bloom riotously! You will be Free, you will know Joy, you will find Coherence!“
I am so trained to blindly obey the Dragons that it appalls me! Last week I realized at a new level that there truly is no appeasing the Dragons. They don’t give a hoot about me. My Heart and Soul will never be of any concern to them. Ever. My Passions are of no interest to them whatsoever. I get absolutely NOTHING from these Worms except periodic slight easings up on the heat they direct at me.
I experimented with not heeding the Dragons‘ shrieks and howls, focusing on the voices of Passion. I got online and checked e-mail only for non-HOA postings. Otherwise, I signed on to Moveable Tyhpe and poured my energy into journal editing. I was wary, watching to see what Dragon energy would do to me. As each day passed, I more clearly recognized that blood-sucking nature of the Worms, that they nourish me not at all. They brutalize me to be fed and would just as soon spit me out lifeless as give me the time of day.
It dawned on me that the world of HOA consists solely of problems to be attended to and complaints to be answered. That is the territory. There is no appreciation, no nurturance anywhere in this realm. The only satisfaction to be gained is when operations run smoothly, which, so far, has been a fleeting and sporadic pleasure at best. By its nature, serving on the Board is a soulless and heartless geography. It is suicide for me to spend too much time there.
Concurrently, I finally realized that it is also suicide for me to NOT spend all the time I need in Passionland. Which I did last week, making Dreamways work my Priority #1. Those hours nourished me. And they furthered Dreamways, a project of deep significance to me. I received Gold from the time spent in this geography, rather than mud, which often feels the payment for HOA time.
There is never any gold to be gotten in the Dragon’s lair. Ever. I feel stronger and more whole from heeding Passion voices last week, from saying NO to my Dragons.