Vivid images from Brokeback Mountain have been with me the past weeks. Interestingly enough, they appeared before I even saw the movie. I had playing in my head strong and vivid internal movies of being in Colorado mountain scapes with Jake G. / Jack. My soul visited a sweet and fluid interaction with an image of an impish, sensual and easeful Man of Gyllenahall’s visage. A fellow who sees me and loves all that he sees therewith. Wordless ease. A pure fitting together. Embodiment. Like Oren.
Movie Associations. Having seen the movie, I still find Jack / Jake very attractive. Ennis / Heath is not nearly so compelling, of course. But I know him inside and out. He is Varimants to a “T”. He is also a large part of me, the stifled and trapped aspect of myself. I’ve bled Ennis’ dark blood. I’ve corroded my soul with unshed tears just like his.
I am both Jack Twist and Ennis Del Mar. I carry within myself the sorts of Demons that shut their lives down, that made a daily, connected Love between them impossible. It’s easy to see Ennis as the Heavy who stifled their relationship. He did give in to the Dragon of Fear. But Jack, too, had his Dragons that made Deep Interaction difficult.
I want to have both the Jack and Ennis within myself open up to themselves, to each other, to come into as full a relationship s possible. To become a fluid and grounded dyad.
My own Ennis is so good at shunning my own Jack. He is so habituated to patterns of Fear. Ennis, sweet man, you must let go unto Love! There will always be those who castrate and wield tire irons. They are real. But you cannot let fear of them shut you down and paralyze you away from the Dance of Love, which is the Dance of Life. Is life without this Dance worth the living of it?
I think not, sweet Ennis, I think not.
Stay! Don’t hide! Jack is your teacher. Trust him. Trust the Truth that your love for him demonstrates! Trust the truth your body knows! Death is inevitable. Don’t sacrifice the Dance out of fear! Please, dear man!