The color photo covers the top three-quarters of the magazine page. It is a semi-dark attic space with a steeply pitched rough-wood ceiling. At the other end of the ceiling’s "A" there are old-fashioned, mullioned windows at the level of the floor. Above the windows, in the apex of the "A" shines an uncovered light bulb, beaming like a good idea. In the foreground, on a Persian carpet, are two old fashioned wood rocking chairs on either side of a small wood table upon which sits a chess boards with a few pieces on it. In the rocking chair to the photo’s right sits a gangly, sad-looking fellow with a formal white shirt, a black vest and pants, a black bow tie, and a black stovepipe hat on his head. This bearded fellow, looking a lot like Abraham Lincoln, gazes sadly to his left. Perched on a hidden modern chair directly behind the chess table is a large furry creature. A marmoset? This chunky mammal is looking eagerly at Mr Lincoln. In white lower-case letter just above the windows appear the words: "your dreams miss you."
Jutting into the lower right corner of the photo in green and gold there appears: "Rozerem ramelteon 8-mg tablets."
Rozerem? What in the world is this word? To what does it refer? Roses? Rosaries? Razors? It’s an exotic-sounding word, like the name of a princess from tales of the Arabian Nights. What or who does this peculiar word name? What does it have to do with dreams?
In the white rectangle that is the bottom quarter of the ad’s page we discover the explanation. Dark green letters, again without capitalization declare: "when you can’t sleep, you can’t dream." Ominous words. Jeez - with no sleep, I’ll miss out on chess with Honest Abe and Marty the Marmoset! Oh no! What to do?!?
Discrete black type then proceeds to reassure us: "But now there‘s Rozerem, a sleep aid like no other." What a relief! Something to aid us in attaining precious sleep? Or perhaps someone – the magic princess, on her magic rug, inviting us on the quintessential mind-expanding Sixties Magic Carpet Ride? The Sleep Genie! Oo – this is romantically exciting!
But no, no – rest assured - this is not mawkish, seedy hippie stuff! "Rozerem is approved for adults having trouble falling asleep." Approved. What a relief! But, by who? To what ends?
"In fact, it’s the first and only prescription sleep aid that in clinical studies shows no potential for abuse or dependence." Sleep in a tablet without the worry of becoming an addict! An approved Magic Carpet Ride! But, why does Abe look so worried?
"Take it when you need it, stop when you don’t." Total control, no risk of becoming a slave to the substance! It’s an insomniac’s Emancipation Proclamation! But if control over sleep is the issue, why am I experiencing sleep difficulties to begin with?
"Your doctor can explain why Rozerem is so different." Different from what? From who? Unfortunately, I do need to get a physician’s approval for this soporific. I need a license for this Ride. Perhaps I’m not in as much control as I think? What does Abe say?
Then there are bold-face letters: "Important safety information." Uh oh. Clouds on the baby-blue horizon of easeful sleep.
"Don‘t take Rozerem if you’re taking Luvox (fluvoxamine) or have severe liver problems." If I’m taking Luvox to deal with obsessive-compulsive disorder and / or major depression, I can’t get onboard the Carpet? If I’ve got liver problems? Hey, that’s no fair! Where’s the Freedom in this?
"Avoid taking it with alcohol." What? No booze? Even more unfair!
"Don’t drive or operate machinery until you know how you’ll react to Rozerem." Once I know that I get drowsy from the drug, it’s OK for me to drive a school bus or operate a chainsaw?
"Rozerem may affect some hormones." Some hormones? Whose? What hormones? Affect them how?
"Consult your doctor about how this may affect you, or if your insomnia doesn’t improve." How WHAT may affect me? This ad? The drug? My hormones? Abe’s sad expression? The marmoset? And again, this pesky doctor thing! I thought my insomnia was supposed to abate, not get better and better!
"Take Rozerem right before bed." Ah, bed, the domain of Rozzie, that alluring damsel of dreams! Yes, you can have her, you can take her!
"Side efffect may include dowsiness, fatigue and dizziness." Drowsiness is a side effect of a sleep-inducing drug? Fatigue? I thought this pill was giving me safe and dreamful sleep. Dizziness? Wait a minute!
"Ask your doctor if Rozerem is right for you. Visit rozerem.com or call 888.237.3261 for more information." It’s like an escort service. My doctor takes on the role of procurer, of pimp daddy. And, as likely as not, he is getting paid in some form or another to push the services of sweet Rozerem. Sweet Roz, who will give you what you desire.
And finally, a homey conclusion, the sedutively yearning leitmotif repeated: "Your dreams miss you." Oh won’t you come home, Bill Bailey, won’t you come home? All it takes is a visit with Pimp Doctor and Miss Dreamy of your Dreams will lap dance for you!
Oh. Yes. At the very bottom of the page in sober, but discrete black print appears: "Please see reverse side for Brief Summay of Prescribing Infropmation." Dang, more stuff to know. Wait a minute! A contract to spend the night with the delightful Rozerem!
Like a blister on Abe’s backside there is a full-page reminder in annoyingly tiny black print, standard backpage stuff for pharmaceutical ads. Three columns of microscopic letters anticipate possible difficulties resulting from spending the night with Roz, mostly geared to indicate that the substance is just fine to use. Sure, she’s been around the block a few times, but Rozerem is the best filly in the sleep stable!
At one point, the tiny legal words affirm: "ROZEREM is not a controlled substance." So this is not a "drug" that some junkie would be abusing. Rozerem is not your average prostititute. No sir, this is just a "sleep aid." She is a classy geisha, not a cheap hooker. So, no worries, mate! Push your physician to prescribe it for you, badger him! Start taking it! Sleep is your nocturnal right! What could be better than this genie in a bottle?
Rozerem is not a "drug." Honest. Honest Injun! Or, even better, Honest Abe! Come on now, would Abe Lincoln try to steer you wrong? Would he set you up with a floozy?